Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Talk Dirty to Me

When I log on to a porn search engine, I love to enter the word “verbal” and then click the search button.  If I am watching a guy in Alabama jacking off, I want him to talk to the camera and tell me to “suck it, ya fuckin’ whore”.  Guys who are good at dirty talk are gold.  But there have been times during sex that fear has clamped my jaw closed wire-tight.  Am I good at dirty talk?  Do I have the voice for it?  Does it seem authentic coming from me, or studied?

Not long ago, shortly before starting this blog, I posted a video of myself jerking off on Xtube.  (It’s a piss-drenched, cum-play jack off, with good old Rob Zombie playing in the background.  One commentator called it a masterpiece, thank you very much). On the video, I talk dirty.  But I was very self-conscious about it.  Thankfully, one commentator said that hearing me talk was hot.  I’m not so sure.  I have had well-meaning friends tell me that I have a lisp, while other friends have said that that was incorrect.  A lisp cuts to the heart of a gay man, since it makes him question the authenticity of his masculinity.  But what makes a man a man?

I have a dear, straight-laced friend named Kenny, and when we are talking about sex and he uses words like “cock” or “dick”, he says them in a funny voice, as if to put imaginary quotations about the words.  He seems uncomfortable verbalizing dirty words.  The polar opposite scenario played itself out in the movie “Sophie’s Choice”.  In the movie, the character Stingo meets a hot girl with a real filthy mouth.  She has no trouble verbalizing – fuck me, fuck you, fuck fuck fuck.  But when Stingo attempts to do what she verbalizes so well, she balks.  Nearly in a panic, she explains that her therapist has helped her with her fear of sex by teaching her to verbalize.  She can now say “fuck”, but she can’t actually do it.

As a society, we become completely tongue-tied when it comes to sex.  Sex is something we all do, but we are loathe to admit that we want – hell, need – it.  My colleague Jennifer was recently dumped by her girlfriend of a year.  She told me that friends and family had comforted her for losing a companion, but because she knows I write a sex blog, admitted that she could share only with me that she was deeply upset about losing their sex life (apparently so intense, they would weep afterwards.  I should be so lucky).  She felt that her friends and family would find such an admission as trite.  Jennifer felt the sex was so good, that it made the relationship worth fighting for in spite of their differences.  Whether that’s true or not is beside the point.  The point is that if we can’t verbalize how important sex is to us, how can we even begin to say a word like “cock” with conviction?

The path to successful dirty talk is the same as the path to Carnegie Hall – practice practice practice.  You don’t need me to tell you that the best way to try something new with a partner is to try it alone during masturbation first.  Nothing is hotter that saying the words “nut sac” while grabbing your own.

I recently decided to take this practicing of mine a step further by attending a workshop last week entitled “Talking Dirty: From Mild to Wild...and Beyond”.  Picture it: me and four straight women in a room at an upscale meeting spot downtown, a spot so upscale that we were advised to wear business casual.  Our host was the amazing Katrina McKay, the founder of Ohhh Canada (check out Katrina's website here).  At first, I felt horribly out of place, the lone gay man amongst four very beautiful women.  Part of the workshop would entail actually talking dirty and my throat began to clench tight.

But as the evening unfolded, I developed a rapport with Katrina and those beautiful women.  Having a gay man in the mix actually seemed to add a twist to the evening that wouldn’t have been there had I not come.  I shared my feelings that while it’s pretty acceptable these days in Canada to be gay, god forbid you should be gay and sexual.  It’s fine if you want to get married, buy a house in the suburbs and adopt a foreign baby.  Some gay men may see me as a throwback to the 70’s where sex was a central feature to being gay.  In these politically correct times, I’m an outlier.  But one of the women said she could relate.  She was a mom now, and she said that people tended to de-sexualize her, which she resented.  It was as if having a baby had rendered her sexless to some.  I told the group how I love to be called a whore during sex.  I wondered if they, as women, resented that term, but to my great surprise, they quickly shooed that concern away as they too loved the word in a role-play scenario.

These women began to dispel my notions about women not being as animalistic as men.  One type of sex talk could be referred to as “Exclamations”, and one woman offered “I want you to blow your load inside me!” as an example.  Other types of sex talk could include “The Tease” (sending a sexy text hours before the scheduled play time), or “Instructional” sex talk (“I love it when you suck both my balls at the same time”).  We talked about having prepared catch phrases.  Preparing for sex talk is actually the only way you can feel free to improvise when actually in the moment with a partner.  We talked about a whispered command sometimes being more powerful that the full-throated command.  We even learned that nervousness about talking dirty can be endearing (“You are so hot, I can’t even speak!”). 


 It bothers me that we call them “dirty” words, when in fact they are fucking beautiful words.  And yet the sense of the forbidden gives them a power that both tantalizes us and at times paralyzes us.  But the late, great comedian Lenny Bruce taught us that words are just...words.  He laced his act with strings of profanity to reveal that words only hold power when we endow them with it.  So tonight, when I masturbate, I’m going to talk dirty to myself, loud and proud.  I will own the word “cock” and “cum” and “suck”.  I’m proud that I have the mouth of a trucker when I masturbate and have sex.  Where’s the parade for that?

Monday, 20 May 2013

To Be Or Not To Be....Slutty(er)


Am I the best slut I can be?  That is the question...

When you’re a sex blog writer, and your blog depends to a degree on your identification as a proud slut, these are the types of questions you ask yourself.  Even with all my constant self-analysis, I still, on some deep level, harbor some crazy notions.  Here’s one crazy notion:

I might meet the man of my dreams at a sex club or bar or bath house.  But if I act too slutty, he won’t think I’m relationship material.  So there I am, in a sexual environment, and I’m holding back, especially if I think a certain guy in particular is amazing.  What do I mean by acting too slutty?  How do you act too slutty at a bath house, for god’s sake?  Is jacking it in the XXX room too slutty?  I’ve gone to bath houses and acted almost demure, as if I accidentally wandered in and don’t really know where I am, because I’m such a good boy.  Almost as if I was above it all.  At sex parties I frequented in Montreal, I would never be the first to unleash my dick and start jacking it, or be the first to go down on someone, because what would people think?  Instead, I’d wait for those men with no social decorum to start the night off and I’d join in since I’m there already, so I guess I’ll try....

Just who the hell do I think I’m fooling?  Would anyone believe that because I hold back and am not the first one to whip my dick out at a sex party that I am somehow better relationship material?   There is no logic here.   This is extra super insane since I don’t think I’m necessarily looking for a relationship anyway?  So what is holding me back from my slutdom?

What’s holding me back is Josh.  And Brokeback Mountain.

Josh was my first love, at sixteen.  He was straight, a year ahead of me in high school, a distant friend, but treated me like gold when our paths did cross.  It was unrequited love, but it opened my flood gates, a true watershed moment, with my tears over him shed at a rapid rate.  In spite of everything, I’ve searched for Josh in every man I’ve met since, to no avail.  I don’t know if he exists.  I don’t even know if the Josh I put on a pedestal exists.  In my mind, he was perfect.  Perhaps he’s not.  I did not know him well enough to ever find out for sure.

Brokeback Mountain did to me what I think Titanic and Harlequin romances do to girls.  They all create a mystique around finding “the one”.  I wanted to find a Jack or an Ennis while herding sheep.  I saw the movie seven times, each time alone, to revel in the fantasy of true love.  But after seeing the movie for that seventh time, I had a dream one night in which I saw the faces of Jack and Ennis.  The two faces merged into one, and then transformed into my own face staring back at me.  And I realized that possibly, just possibly, the greatest relationship I may have is the one I’m having with myself.

My true self wants to free my inner slut.  Does my need at times for hardcore sexual degradation stamp out the possibility that love could be found there as well?  What if my dream man (if such an animal exists) is a slut aficionado?  Because whether you are the type who is the first to brazenly pull your cock out at a sex party, or the shy last one, it won’t make a shred of difference as to whether you are this so-called relationship-material type person. 

I realize that I am both a victim of and a perpetrator of slut shaming.  I have avoided men who seem to be having “too much fun” at the baths, making all kinds of assumptions about them (“too easy” “probably doesn’t play safe” “probably this” “probably that”).  Conversely, I envied the freedom of those men with every pore in my body.  I could offer a course in hypocrisy 101.

Men who have moved past shame are my heroes, because of the courage is takes.  For some reason, I’m afraid to let other men see my unbridled sexual desire, even in environments where it is damn well expected!  I hereby declare that I am taking the shackles off.  I need to amputate that shame so that I can be open to the joys such sexual openness might bring.  After all, who the hell is being served when I shackle myself?

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Best Sex Writing 2013

Hello Readers!  I just had the amazing opportunity of interviewing Rachel Kramer Bussel who is the editor of a new collection of sex writing entitled Best Sex Writing 2013: The State of Today's Sexual Culture.  Information about this new book can be found in the links below, but let me just say that this collection of essays is, as the blurb on the back of the book suggests, "challenging, literate and provocative".  Of particular interest to me was the essay "Rest Stop Confidential" by Conner Habib, a porn star we've all lusted after, who is also a writer and sex educator with an amazing blog which you can read here.  Without further ado, an interview with intrepid editor and writer, Ms Rachel Kramer Bussel.


1) How did you come to be the editor of Best Sex Writing 2013 and how did you go about culling these wonderful essays?
I was asked to take over editing the series by Cleis Press based on my editorial work in the sexuality field and my passion for the topic. Unlike with my erotica anthologies, where I almost exclusively work from the submissions I receive, with the Best Sex Writing series I'm much more pro-active. So while there's a public call for submissions, most of the sources were ones I sought out or stumbled across, whether in anthologies like the wonderful Love, InshAllah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women, edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi, The Ultimate Guide to Kink, edited by Tristan Taormino and Trans/Love: Radical Sex, Love & Relationships Beyond the Gender Binary edited by Morty Diamond, alt weeklies like LA Weekly and Riverfront Times and East Bay Express or magazines like Playboy and New York and Jacobin and websites like Salon.

2) With the Best Sex Writing series, what is your goal or mission when putting these collections together?  How does that differ or match your personal mission as a writer of all things erotic/sexual?
I try to make the books as timely as possible, given the lead time, but also timeless; I hope they are ones people could pick up ten years from now and still find an interesting snapshot of our sexual culture, though in many areas, I hope we make progress toward sexual freedom. Ideally, I hope the series broadens people's minds about both what topics fall under "sex" and provide food for thought. I want the books to be the start or continuation of a conversation about sex that's accessible to both sex nerds like me and to people who've never read a book like this, who may have never thought about a lot of these topics before. I also think it's important to mix the journalistic pieces with the more personal essays, because I believe they play well off each other, and will perhaps speak to different readers.

3) Your essay in the collection, "Baby Talk" is stunning in that you reveal the thought process you went through when approached with an age-play scenario with a partner.  Did the man in question know that you wrote on the subject of sexuality, and if so, do you think that is why he felt he could open up and trust you with his fantasy?
He definitely knew about my work before we went out (we met on an online dating site), though I'm not sure whether he revealed that fantasy because he figured I'd be open-minded, or if it's something he did regularly. What was most interesting to me is that, as with many aspects of sexuality, in my experience, I wouldn't have thought age play would be something I would get into, but in the moment, I did. That's part of what I was trying to capture with that essay, because I think we often divide ourselves with sexual labels. For example, someone is either "vanilla" or "kinky," when in reality, many people explore various aspects of their sexuality and fantasies in different relationships or at certain times.

4) You say in your essay regarding the age-play scenario that "we didn't stop to talk about it before or after."  Why do you think that conversation didn't happen?
Partly because of the nature of the fantasy and the nature of dirty talk, it just flowed and rather than break that role-playing, we just went with it. For my part, I was curious to see where it went and was intrigued by my own reaction to it. If it had ventured into territory I wasn't comfortable with, I hope I would have said something. Looking back, I think we were each feeling each other out and seeing where it went.

5)  You write "All I knew was the comfort I could take in this: no matter how old I get, sex always has new things to teach me."  With the readers of my blog, I find I've learned so much from them, as they share with me the journey that sex has taken them on.  Have you learned from your readers when they reach out to you?  And if so, what have they taught you?
Overall the biggest thing I've learned is that everyone has questions and insecurities. We're all human. It sounds obvious, but the more people I talk to about sexuality, the more I see our commonality rather than our differences. Even though different people have different approaches to sex and different interests, desires and attractions, seeing that common humanity has helped in my erotica writing and editing and in my nonfiction writing. I think and hope it's made me more empathetic and open-minded. Sex is a topic where a lot of people have trouble understanding others outside their own sphere of reference, and often we take someone else's fetish or kink almost as an affront if it's not one we share. I've been honored to get so many glimpses into people's personal lives and every time I do, I learn both about them and about myself, and that's a process I hope to continue for the rest of my life, no matter where my career takes me.

6)  As a sex blogger, I never tire of exploring sexuality.  I suspect you feel similarly.  Do you think however that some people might find such exploration threatening?  Furthermore, in spite of the fact that we are a sex-obsessed culture, do you find that some people are disinterested in a thoughtful, thorough analysis of sex and sexuality?
I think there's a tension in our culture between people being interested in but also afraid of open explorations about sexuality. Also, with any type of writing, there's the catch-22 situation that if you the writing is good, people will be able to relate to it and think they know the author because of it. That is a testament to the writing, but especially around a personal topic like sex, it can veer into uncomfortable territory. I think that sometimes people are interested in what seem like the more salacious aspects of sexuality, but don't want to be confronted with their own preconceived ideas of what's "true" about sex, but I do think the more sexuality is a conversation in our culture, whether related to law or news stories or pop culture like Fifty Shades of Grey, the more we create openness around dialogue.

See further for links regarding the book Best Sex Writing 2013: The State of Today's Sexual Culture below!

A link to the BSW 2013's page on the Cleis Press website http://www.cleispress.com/book_page.php?book_id=530 

The page on Goodreads

The Amazon Listing

A link to Best Sex Writing 2013's website 

And finally, a link to Rachel Kramer Bussel's personal website 

Saturday, 11 May 2013

Craigslist


To straight men:  This might be all kind of new to you.  So I get it if you want to come in, unzip, get sucked off, and go.  Because you know I’m gonna jack it for a few hours with the taste of your cum in my mouth, or let the cum sit there on my face, depending on where you blew your wad.  Or maybe you’re down with relaxing for a while, having a whisky with me, jackin’ together on the couch, shooting the shit.  NSA, discreet, all good.  Why would you hit me up?  I’ve heard that some women don’t like giving head. Unbelievable! Us gay guys?  Damn near all of us think dick is meant to be worshipped.  Enough said.  If you find a chick who loves giving you head, you can drop me off your list – you go thank the sex gods that you found a woman who gives it to you good.  Worship her.

To my bate buds:  You and I are chronic bators (masturbators).  Love to get together with another buddy and edge for hours.  Kicking back with a bottle of poppers, talking sex and gooning together (gooning: that point in the bate where you are so lost in it you’re all but drooling on yourself).  Sure, we might rub each other’s precum on our cocks, sniff each other’s pits.  But mostly it’s about the visual of how we each bate.  However you like to bate and goon is such a turn on:  Do you like to shove things up your ass?  Hump the couch in a frenzy?  Piss on yourself?  Beat it like it owes you money?  Chant the word “penis” over and over like a mantra?  All good! Go for it man...

To bi and gay guys:  OK, you’re gonna want more.  I got you covered.  I’ll fuck you (safe).  Let’s get into some piss play, worship our pits, jack it together, 69 on poppers, throw back some beer, spit on each other, (hell, let’s spit some of the beer on each other),watch some porn – essentially, let’s be pigs and let the good times roll.

Some things you should know about me:  I smoke.  Don’t do drugs, but don’t mind if you do.  I sure do love my Jack Daniel’s.  I don’t shave or trim a damn thing.  Late thirties.  See attached body pic.  Will need to swap face pics ultimately to seal the deal.  If you’re partnered, I’d rather we didn’t get involved – bad karma.  Yet I also recognize that some of you are in situations where leaving your partner is not an option, but the sex in your relationship is long gone.  So let’s discuss. 

Dear Readers:  I need some input on this.  Would you respond to this very long Craigslist ad?  Why or why not?  How sincere am I really about not being with someone partnered?  Why would anyone want to be with someone partnered?  First, there is the element of the forbidden.  Second, it’s (theoretically) emotionally safe – you don’t have to let your heart out of its cage since there is (on paper) no hope for more than NSA fun.

I haven’t posted this ad (novel?) and am not sure I ever will.  Why?  I’ve gotten to the point where letting a stranger into my home makes me damn nervous.  And to think I used to do this a lot!  But even in the past, I’d be so nervous about my safety.  I’d be nervous that the person who showed up at the door wouldn’t look like the man in the pictures that were sent to me.  And yet the thrill of the hunt always won out.  The optimist in me would think “Maybe this guy will be a keeper”.  There was something affirming, sexually speaking, to know that there were other men as horny as I was and who would enter my home, no questions asked, and get naked within seconds.  Silently we were saying to each other “I’m horny, you’re horny, I respect that.”

Before writing this piece, I went on Craigslist to read today’s “Men looking for Men” postings.  Evidently, some men don’t share my qualms about hooking up in a stranger’s home.  And it bears repeating that I used to do it all the time – nervous, but excited all the same.  But how much of it is all talk and no action?  When I posted on gay sites saying that I was looking for a hookup, I was always serious and always followed through.  But so often I was stood up and I know now that this is a way for men to experiment with their sexuality.  They have no intention of meeting, but fantasize about it.  They will write brazen things like “Looking to suck you off in your car.  Swallow all loads.”  They will get off on the emails they receive back.  But they will never show up.  However, when trolling Craigslist, one always thinks “Maybe this dude is for real.”  And so on it goes.

The trouble for me is that the face is the ultimate deciding factor about whether I want to have sex with a guy.  Almost nobody posts a face pic on Craigslist and with good reason.  Cynically, I’ve been at this long enough to know that the reality most often doesn’t live up to the fantasy.  However, I have a buddy who uses Craigslist religiously and regales me with stories of all the hot guys he meets.  I listen with skepticism – are they all really that hot?  He often doesn’t request a face pic – he just goes with the flow.  He has a partner, so all of this happens furtively on the down low.  He once had to help a trick out the back door when the partner showed up at home, unexpectedly early, through the front door.  Both my buddy and his partner have found evidence on each other’s computers that they are both using Craigslist.  They even had a half-hearted confrontation about it.  But ultimately, it’s a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy for them.  I’ve asked him why they don’t talk about it openly and open the relationship, but he balked at such a notion.  Somehow, they want to keep the dream alive that they are a monogamous couple.  I scratch my head at this.  So I’m asking you, Dear Reader, to fill me in:  what am I missing in this equation? 

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Jason and Jon - Together Again!

Hello Readers!  This post is a little different from the rest.  Mr. Jon Pressick is an award-winning sex journalist here in Toronto.  He hosts a radio show called Sex City on CUIT 89.5FM (which airs at 11PM Tuesday nights) and I had the pleasure of talking about my blog with him recently.  Click here to hear us banter about the blog and sex!

I met Jon when I found his blog Sex in Words and reached out to him about my words in this here blog of mine.  There is not a sexual stone unturned on his blog and you have to check it out.

Beyond that, Jon has written an essay entitled "Holy Fuck: The Fourth-and-Long Virgin" for the collection on shelves now entitled Best Sex Writing 2013: The State of Today's Sexual Culture. (There will be an interview with the editor, Ms Rachel Kramer Bussel, in an upcoming post as part of a larger blog tour to promote the book).  Jon's essay dissects the brou-haha surrounding   football-player Tim Tebow's announcement that he is a virgin, and the meaning it has for us watching on the sidelines.  It's a stellar piece of sex writing.  I got to turn the tables on Jon and interview him about his contribution to an amazing collection...


1) How did "Holy Fuck: The Fourth-and-Long Virgin" come about and how did the essay find its way into "Best Sex Writing 2013"?
I like to think that Holy Fuck was good kharma coming back to me for years and years of free writing for others. I'm a big fan of Rachel Kramer Bussel's writing and her anthologies. I'd seen the calls for submission for the Best Sex Writing collections in the past, and just like in other years, the deadline passed without me putting fingers to keys. My writing runs in cycles—sometimes I can come up with topics and write freely and other times I can basically only write when I'm given an idea to explore. 
In this instance, Rachel posted on Facebook that she was particularly interested in a piece on Tim Tebow for the anthology and I jumped at the opportunity as quickly as I could. It was just chance that I even saw her request and I'm glad the internet was smiling on me that day.

2)What was your initial, gut reaction to football player Tim Tebow's admission that he is a virgin?  Did your reaction shift during the writing of your essay?
Quite honestly, his virginity ranked pretty low on the "oh my" factor of this dude. He was a legend in college football with a whole mythology created for him by a rabid fan base. Tim being a virgin just fed into that. 
Now, it is a surprising thing, a pro athlete who isn't out fucking whoever he can find. Athletes usually only come in "married, family man" version or "who's up next" version. Not many athletes, or guys in general, will come out as chaste. As I wrote the essay I did actually gain a bit of sympathy for the man. But just a bit because he uses his untouched status as a marketing ploy. If he were just a humble dude who chooses not to get any, I'd have more respect for him. 

3) You reference Dr. Don Sabo's essay "The Myth of the Sexual Athlete".  I can see how athletes exist in a competitive culture, and by extension a sexually competitive culture.  That in turn can lead to a sense of being "detached from the idea of sexual and emotional committment."  How might we explain the same phenomena of sexual detachment in gay men who perhaps didn't involve themselves in a sports environment in their youth?
I think this idea of detachment can exist across many spectrums. Musicians might feel the same way. Authors might. Academics might. Where there is success in competition, that detachment from commitment can grow. 
But you bring up an interesting idea here, that gay men might experience sexual detachment. Do you mean that this could happen just by virtue of them being gay? If so, then I think sports or music or any other outside factor is secondary to the "otherness" that queer people can feel. And when you've been deemed an "other" or different from the norm, I think it is only natural to develop a differing sense of commitment. 


4)  Society both upholds Tim Tebow as an exemplar, and also ridicules him for his virginity.  What does this double-talk say about the culture we live in?
It says we, as a society, are still struggling with sex as a whole. The two sides are at loggerheads because there is fanaticism from both sides. We aren't comfortable with an adult who is a virgin because of the massive pressure to pursue sex at all costs. At the same time, we're also not comfortable with someone who does fuck around all the time. There's no middle ground that is acceptable. 

5) You reference basketballer A.C. Green, a player who wasn't a "player" off the court.  His stance seems either-or:  You are a virgin, or you're a promiscuous slut.  Do you think he's missing a middle ground?
Exactly, that's what I was getting at a minute ago. Personally, I don't think there is a need for a middle ground. Instead, I think we need to eliminate the two poles. No more either/or. Neither of A.C. Green's statements are correct. 

6) What is your gut feeling, if it's possible to say:  Is Tim Tebow genuine, or is he a closeted gay man who "doth protest too much"?
As tempting as it is, I don't think Tebow will be claimed by the rainbow elite. I do think he is genuine in his beliefs, I just question how he uses those beliefs and throws the virginity around. 
Through all of his very public trials and tribulations, I do hope he meets someone he loves and who loves him back. 



Sunday, 5 May 2013

Sex Obsession


I recently had a reader write to me.  Regarding my blog, he called my essays “good, honest accounts of a sex obsessed male.”  I liked the “good, honest accounts” part, but would you believe it Dear Reader if I told you that I was shocked to hear myself referred to as sex obsessed?  How out of touch with reality could I possibly be?

The thing is, I thought that everyone spends as much mental energy thinking about sex as I do.  I had to wake up to the fact that no, not everyone thinks about it as much.  But I would then go on to say:  Perhaps some people think about it as much as I do, and the others almost as much.

To all you wonderful sluts reading this, you likely think about it often.  But let’s not forget how often the religious right think about it.  We know they think about sex constantly because of the amount of energy they expend trying to keep us from having it.

Don’t we all walk down the street and wonder about the sex lives of the people who pass by us?  Is that person, who at first glance appears nearly asexual to you, really a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

I believed in the beginning that even if the religious right would hate my blog, my gay friends would like it.  This has not proven true.  I’ve shared the link to this blog with only my nearest and dearest friends, but a few have never once brought it up.  Maybe they just didn’t get around to reading it?  Or did it bother them?  In what way?  My goal with this blog is to shed light on things I think are needlessly (and sometimes harmfully) kept in the dark.  Is it possible that even some of my gay brothers want to keep it in the dark?  Or, is it that they just aren’t obsessed with the topic in the way that I am and are not, quite frankly, that interested?

In May of 2012, I posted an essay about what I considered the birth of my sexuality (Times Square).  I wrote something to the effect that I felt something was indeed born that night.  What was born?  I think an essential authenticity was born.   A deeper understanding of myself and how I connect to people.  In the years prior to that, I was obsessed with acting, and the theatre was my lover.  That was authentic too.  My goal as an actor had always been to tell the stories of my gay brotherhood.  But that never came to pass.  Instead I took whatever job I could, and so often it was in productions that had nothing to do with my reality.  There was a dissonance in my head:  An actor is supposed to tell other peoples stories, but I wanted to tell my own. 

But perhaps Mary’s essential authenticity was born the day she became a field reporter at the local TV station.  Maybe Ken’s essential authenticity was born the moment he realized he could make people laugh.  And thus, an obsession – no wait, let’s call it a passion – began.

I titled this blog Hunting for Sex.  I can’t help wondering if what I’ve been hunting for all along was simply myself.